Saturday, July 30, 2011

I close my eyes and I see your smile.
It's nice,
I haven't seen it in a while.
And the gleam in your eyes
Is brighter than before
And it makes me wonder,
What's missing?
But then I shake this thought away,
Because, well,
It makes me sad.
I don't like being sad.

I'm watching Bambi right now.  It has got to be one of the cutest movies.  I love the sweet innocence of the baby animals.  Young innocence truly is a beautiful thing.  The way that the little rabbits befriend Bambi reminds me of little kids and the way that they see each other with their hearts and not their eyes.  When you're that little, it has nothing to do with what you look like or what you wear.  And rabbits and deer, friends?  That's preposterous!  But their innocence pushes aside this and they see one another with open hearts and minds.

P.S.  This is really random, but does anyone else know anything about beady buddies?  I made one the other day, and now I really want to make one in the shape of an elephant for my friend Michael.  I can't find a good one online, but if you happen to have a picture of one and could get it to me, that would be fantastic.

Dear boy at the water container.

Dear boy at the water container,

Thank you for pouring me a cup of water at lunch.  I don't know what your name is, but when I thanked you, you said "My pleasure."  Two days later, you did it again.  "My pleasure," you replied once again when I thanked you.  I've never spoken to you and I can't even honestly remember what you look like, but I really appreciate your genuine kindness.

Hopefully your future friend,

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


Tears in my eyes.
Singing angry goodbyes.
Now you’re going to see
How much it hurts to miss me.

Have you ever cared about a person?

I mean really, truly cared for them.  When they were upset, you wanted to cry.  And seeing their smile brightened your day.  When someone did them wrong, you wanted to wrong that person.  Have you ever become so emotionally reliant on a person, that not talking to them felt somehow wrong? 

Now, what if this person doesn't think about you nearly as much as you do about them?

What if they never ever leave your mind, and you never ever cross theirs?

What if you try to fall asleep at night, and toss and turn, trying to figure out what you're doing wrong and why he will never ever need you as much as you need him?

I'm there.  I've known him for ten months.  Ten months of friendship, that began to grow into something more a while ago.  Suddenly, the flower that was just beginning to bloom into something beautiful, something precious, got whacked off and he changed his mind.

Changed. His. Fucking. Mind.

I hadn't smiled the way I did, and still do, around him.

I grew a love for his family, because they all accept me and love me so much more than my own.  He and I are still friends, and he continues to lead me on, yet I know he'll never ever care for me.

When I spend time with him, he still holds me the way he used to.  And I can never bring myself to tell him to stop.

Just stop.  You're making me smile again.  You're making me blush.  You're leading me on.  Stop it.  Stop it.  Stop it.

I deserve so much more than this.

Advice, please.  I don't have many followers so I rarely get comments.  But please, please, help me out.

I may confront him and tell him, look, you can't do this to me anymore.  Love me or don't show affection at all.

Or I'll end the friendship.

My heart can't take this anymore.

Life goes on.

Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't want to live there.

~ Adam Young

Thursday, July 7, 2011

I won't go.

I wonder how many people cried before they went to sleep last night. I wonder how many people woke up with a smile.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


Do you ever have days where you just feel like you could lose it at any given moment?

Yeah, me too. Today's one of those days. I want to rip my heart out of my chest and throw it at a wall.

I just don't want to feel anything anymore.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Absurd adoration.

Golden brown eyes

study my face.

I love you so much.

I want to ask you,

"Why are you doing this to me?

You know it hurts."

Yet I let you hold me close,

And smell my hair.

I let you look into my eyes

and pretend to adore me.

I let you hug me,

Though you'll never love me.

By now,

I know the game.

And still,

I let you win.

Such a pathetically



Such a shame,

Such a shame

That my first love


and will not

love me back.

You make me crazy.

I scratch every detail into my mind

so I never forget.

These moments only come around

Every so often.

They aren't handed out like presents on Christmas.