Watch me try and shine.

Dear Whoever Reads My Blog,

I come to you in a time of great sorrow.  I don't really know how to say this, but I'm afraid.  I was once a very, very sad girl.  I felt alone in the world, and I cried every night.  I wanted somebody to pick me up off of the ground and hold me.  No, not just give me a comforting hug and tell me "I'm here for you if you want to talk."  I wanted them to hold me, and listen to me, and tell me everything was going to be alright.

I'm not going to say I was a fool for feeling this way, for looking back on it, I still wish that someone would have pulled me through it before I eventually just stood up, wiped the tears away from my eyes, and told myself to get over it.  Nobody was going to help me, and that's when I learned that it was time for me to toughen up and take care of myself.

But now.  Now...I am sad.  Not quite as sad as I once was, but sad.  My life feels empty and well, lifeless.  I'm tired of the life I'm living.  Most of the things that are upsetting me are much too personal to just post on the internet, however, what I find to not be quite as personal is the fact that I still long for someone to hold me the way I wanted back when I cried myself into the night.  I'm tired of just getting through the day, doing whatever I can not to cry in front of people.  Yes, in front of people.  I still do let myself sob when no one's around to see or hear me.  The thing is, eyes are always watching.  I am with people all day between the hours of 7:00 a.m. and about 5:30 p.m., possibly later depending on the day.  That's an awful lot of time to hold yourself together.  Myself.

So, I ask myself this question all too often.  When is somebody going to realize that when my lips mumble that I'm "fine", my eyes are whispering ever so softly..."I'm not okay...?"  When is someone going to see that I'm losing a war with that tear in my eye, and just hold me?  Let me fall apart in their arms.  I don't want to cry alone anymore.  I just need someone.

Thank you so much for listening.

Lots and Lots of Love,

Saria